Transparency – I’m terrified

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In the spirit of full transparency (as this blog is my share space and I promised to be truthful and transparent on the subjects I write about no matter how much it makes me cringe), and also for you all to hold me fiercely accountable, I am stating this out loud to the universe…

I am six pounds  away from the first weight release goal I set for myself in 2019!

This is by no means the goal I’ve set for myself forever,  but to accomplish hard things, I break them up into smaller doable packages and right now I’m six pounds away from my the first weight release goal I set for myself in 2019– which is to get back to ONEderland (defined as anything under 200 pounds).

Now let me tell you why I’m writing this specific blog. I don’t want to admit it and I don’t know why I do it and I am not sure how to change it yet (first step is admitting right?) but I Self-Sabotage. The how’s and why’s will have to be a whole other blog, maybe after therapy.

Psychology Today online says about self sabotage: Behavior is said to be self-sabotaging when it creates problems in our life and interferes with long-standing goals. Among the most common self-sabotaging behaviors are procrastination, self-medication with drugs or alcohol, comfort eating, and forms of self-injury such as cutting. These acts may seem helpful in the moment, but they ultimately undermine us, especially when we engage in them repeatedly.

As I grow and try to master areas of my life, this has become clear to me. I self sabotage! I work hard, get extremely close to my goals and then… stop. I know it’s not fear of failure, I’ve done that too many times to be scared, so, fear of success maybe? Anyway, this blog is not to explore the Self Sabotage but to find the Strength Over All Resistance to get pass it.

About 7 years ago when my MD told me I was dangerously close to being put on diabetic medication and I started this weight release journey my goal was to get to 175 pounds.  I got down to 181 and started regaining. About 3 years ago, after working a high stress job and trying to get a business off the ground, I resorted to old behaviors  and I was back over 200 pounds. Determined to do something about it,  I joined a diabetic health group and started following the plan to eat well and move more, well, I got down to 202 and quit the group.

Needless to say, by the time I got off my couch to do something about it last summer I was 20 pounds heavier than I am today,  and today… I am six pounds away from my first weight release goal I set for myself in 2019!

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I am terrified!

I am terrified because even after all the hard work I’ve put in over months and months of lacing up and training even when I don’t want to, after all the 10 day challenges and 30 day challenges and butting heads with the trainer but doing it anyway. After all the cut backs on meat and processed sugar and processed carbs and e after following a pretty rigid plant based eating style for lent, this evening I found myself staring at the bowl of pasta I made for the hubby and son contemplating if I wanted a plate!  While making myself a black bean burger for dinner I find myself thinking… “maybe this time I’ll have the bun” . A glass of wine is calling my name at almost midnight on a Wednesday night and the sugar craving is on fleek (which I want to blame on PMS). All the while, the back of my head a little voice is saying,  “go ahead, you can have it, you’re not really far away from goal, make it up tomorrow”. But I know this song and dance already and I want to sit this one out – as much as I love music and dance I need your help holding me accountable because… I’m six pounds  away from my first weight release goal I set for myself in 2019 and this time… I need to SOAR.

Strength Over All Resistance

Do you have Self Sabotaging Behavior and don’t mind sharing? Lets chat. Comment below.

1 thought on “Transparency – I’m terrified”

  1. Great post!
    Our conversations last week about health and fitness really motivated me. I’m now making heathy lifestyle choices as well ☺️

    Like

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